The young bride approached her waiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, she heard of the ravages of financial ruin, caused by corporate downsizing and it’s effects on a 50 year old executive.
Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the fine structure, she informed him that he owned. The land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank, while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars, and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now, he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why he was so upset in light of such good news. He tearfully responded, “If only I had known what you were doing all these years, I would have given you all of my business!”
Rainforest Crunch Time
The U.S. takes the war against terrorism to the Amazon
What, you haven’t heard? The U.S. has taken the war against terrorism to the Amazon Rainforest. Thanks to a heavy — if under-publicized — bombing campaign, the Southern Front should trouble us no more. With sloths, tapirs, and other dangerous enemies neutralized, the next stop’s the petting zoo. Writer Chris Colin takes you into the heart of the jungle and the minds of our fearless leaders.
Satire by Chris Colin – Salon.com in Grist Magazine
26 Nov 2001
United States military forces bombed the Amazon rainforest today, Pentagon officials said. The predawn assault targeted key habitats of several crucial wildlife species, thought to have been dug in for many years.
“Parrots hate freedom,” President Bush said in a press conference shortly after the first squadron of B-2s left a base in San Paolo. “We will locate those evildoers and smoke them out.” At least 5,000 acres of dense forest have been leveled, and another 2,000 are currently burning, according to Brazilian authorities. A small number of animals were reported to have survived the initial strike, including jaguars, freshwater dolphins, and some rare snakes. However, helicopter-borne paratroopers subsequently swooped in and destroyed the survivors. There were no American casualties, although one Special Forces commando said a monkey dropped a coconut on his head. “We don’t know how they got coconuts,” Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld said.
The Amazon offensive, called “Operation Courageous Bravery,” immediately follows the heavy strafing of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and, earlier this month, the Chicago Zoo. These previous strikes met with overwhelming public support in these patriotic times, although a minority of critics claim the Alaskan maneuver failed to uproot key caribou. Bush has suggested that additional troops might one day go in to explore the region’s vast network of caribou caves.
For now, though, the president said he was pleased with the success of the Amazon mission in eradicating rogue species. “Make no mistake,” Bush said, “this is a proud moment for American independence. We refuse to be terrorized by slothful sloths and spineless millipedes.”
Although the Amazon rainforest is known for its unusual abundance of insect life, Rumsfeld emphasized that millipedes and other operatives could well be functioning in other nations, too. Such operatives and the ecological niches that house them should consider themselves warned, the president said. “In this new world, you’re either with America, or you’re with the tapirs,” Bush announced. “And if the Amazon region continues to harbor the enemy, then the Amazon is the enemy.”
At one point in the press conference, the president was asked whether the Amazon raid would yield significant new natural resources. “Let me say this,” Bush replied. “I am an American, and I was born an American.”
Rumsfeld and Bush later indicated that documentaries usually found on public television would now be screened by the government. “Giant Anteater: Gentle Edentate” will not be shown Thursday at 8 p.m. for fear that the footage could contain coded messages. “Your standard anteater, for example, is a tricky species,” Bush said, pointing at a photograph taken by army intelligence. “Obviously they’d have us believe it’s just a matter of eating ants.”
Here the president grew serious r victory will require patience and fortitude,” he said. “Exactly how much of each is difficult to say, because we don’t speak African, or the other Amazon languages. But know this: We’re aware of these species, and we’re standing tall today.”
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in a X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?”
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued. “Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, Hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks,
‘What happened, what’s the hold up?’
‘Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Rosie O’Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and
set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.’
The driver asks, ‘On average, how much is everyone giving?’
‘About a gallon.’
The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom.
Governor Marc Racicot, RNC National Chairman, explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party’s stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production,
destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually getting screwed.