An essay written for I believe it was my Advanced Composition class.
disillusionment[noun): a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be.
Disillusionment. At what point in a person’s life is it “ok” to become disillusioned? At 30? 40? 50? 60? Is it ever ok to be disillusioned? Doesn’t everyone become disillusioned at one time or another? Is this condition permanent or temporary?
What is disillusionment? If illusion means to have a false or misleading idea or image disillusion must mean to have a true and clear understanding of reality. But instead it means to take away the illusion and become bitter. Bitter is a bad word, meaning resentful or cynical, both terrible words. To feel displeasure and indignation or to deny the sincerity of people’s actions. Disillusionment must now means to take away the misleading image that was imposed on a outside being or idea and replace it with displeasure and mistrust of people’s sincerity. To be disillusioned means to pretend life is a fantasy but get angry and blame others when reality is found to not be the fantasy. A person who is disillusioned is a person who was not grounded in reality in the first place; a day dreamer or an idiot fits this description.
A day dreamer, dreaming about the great life they have ahead of them; the exciting adventurous things they will do; the lofty objectives that will be accomplished. Dreaming instead of doing, waiting and hoping instead of planning and working. The idiot is the fool who believes what the day dreaming dreams becomes the awakened state of being without considering how it is to become that way.
The idiot is the day dreamer who sat around dreaming of where they would be at mid life, knew the necessary steps to take to reach that point but never implemented the plans to make the fantasy a reality. The idiot is the day dreamer knowing what is to be done and doesn’t do it. The idiot is the daydreamer who knows what is to be done, doesn’t do it the first time, knows what is to be done the second time but still doesn’t do it. The idiot is the second time who still knows what is to be done and still doesn’t do it. The idiot is the second time which becomes the third time which becomes the fourth time which becomes the fifth time and so on until the cycle repeats itself and each time after the initial first time, the next time becomes the first time over again and the cycle retards and the first time over and over again.
The first time over and over and again and the idiot dreamer finds himself near, but not quite, middle aged and beginning to believe, but not yet knowing, but still hoping, that the illusion becomes the disillusion. The first time again and again because the idiot is still hoping but not yet doing. Planning and desiring without becoming; not becoming but staying.
The idiot dreamer is the child who spends his free time developing one talent; who also develops a remarked ability for another talent; then chooses to make a career out of doing the opposite, the whole while wanting to pursue the first two talents. The idiot dreamer talks of making change to go after the first two things but continues with the thing he doesn’t like for so long that he wonders if he’ll ever make a change. Then the change comes but the dreamer is still the idiot and believes it is too late and no change can matter now: so much wasted time behind but more time ahead the idiot can’t stop dreaming of what’s passed.
The dreamer wonders if it’d be better with another to share with but the idiot has prevented that. The alone dreamer continues to wonder and worry and dream.
* * *