In 2009 the Rivers Casino in Pittsburgh opened a poker room. The first time I played I watched people play Pot Limit Omaha or PLO, a card game like Texas Hold’em but each player is dealt four cards instead of two. With each player having four hole cards to match with the community cards the odds to make “winning” hands grew greatly, as did the action. After watching once I started playing and immediately became hooked. And by hooked I mean addicted. The first few times I played were occasionally. Then it became almost daily. I would generally play until I was broke and when I got more money I would play again, and again, until I was broke. Whatever money came in would go out that same day. Thus began my gambling addiction to which I suffer today. I don’t gamble other than playing cards which I think about alot but only do so once or twice a year.

In 2011 I decided to make a change. Earning money just to lose it playing poker and leaving nothing behind for other things. I couldn’t afford to go to the movies. A lifelong passion. I’d literally think of the money I lost and say to myself ‘you know, with that three hundred dollars I just lost I could have bought a chair which I’d get daily use of for years.’ My coworker Mike, who also played poker but not PLO said playing PLO was like driving a car and throwing money out of the window. He was right. So on Friday April 29th, 2011 after playing, and losing, I had myself put on the self-exclusion list. Going on the self-inclusion list is like voluntarily banning oneself from any gambling activities for whatever period of time one chooses. In Pennsylvania gamblers have the option of a one-year, five-year, or lifetime banishment. I foolishly went with the one-year plan. In retrospect, and even that night, I knew that I should have chosen the lifetime plan. But I thought that after a year of not playing I would be better able to control myself when I began playing again.

That night I started a journal to record my thoughts as I went through the process of “recovering.” This post will begin a series of posts where I type out the notes I made in my journal during this process.